The Impact of Binary Crying on Split-Second Decision-Making

For a colleague to know that I am vulnerable made it clear that I am also strong. Putting my premeditated efficacy aside, I asked for help. I walked into a moment knowing that I needed to be myself. I needed to show that I was not doing well. I needed counseling. That split-second process allowed me to say, “Have you got some time? I need counseling.”

I pulled the office door closed, she knew I was serious. We looked at each other and instantly measured the room's energy. Her response was not surprising because from her results I knew she was a brilliant counselor. When I look back on that brief moment now, I feel grateful and humble. The power I had over my consent led me to let go of my attachment to indecision.

My minor breakdown in the office of a colleague - it should be noted that I am also her supervisor - was a humbling experience. At the same time, it felt exactly like what I needed. Now I know, after much contemplation, that I will never do it again. Not because I am her “boss” or other notions about what makes a leader, but because I walked away grasping my embarrassment in the palms of my relief. Sometimes I know that I know when once is enough. Thankfully, rather than being blindsided by not knowing, I am getting closer to seeing things as they are coming.

Without hesitation, she moved from behind her desk and walked to the round table where sessions take place. We sat down. I gave her a few preface points to consider and then outlined my purpose. She listened attentively and because she did everything perfectly,

I knew that she understood my intention. After that, relaxing into a sharing state felt natural. I had nothing to fear nor did I need to question her rapport or confidentiality. I felt safe but still itching my doubt, I began to speak.

Before this moment, I had been walking around the campus thinking about the start-up stages this year. Over the summer holiday, I decided that for this year's start up, I am going to be less of a micro-manager. However, shortly before I walked into the counseling office, things felt wrong and many mistakes were being made.

I was not making wise decisions and therefore, at least in my mind, my decisions were causing more harm than good; not only at work but also to some extent in my personal life. Day-to-day life was not going well.

Seeing the array of errors based on miscalculations or things not getting done was incredibly annoying. The gaps in knowledge led to a lack of trust. I was in a state of compound confusion which led to more ineffective decisions and ultimately, a minor breakdown. I remember thinking that if this is what letting go feels like, maybe I will choose to pass on it, for now.

She was listening to me. Very good.

All parts of the story pointed to the fact that I needed to re-hinge right away. That state needs no delay. As a leader, if I break decorum, I am aware of the impression that that action might have on people but more importantly on the person sitting in front me; I nominated her to help me. That mental break, at work, was not the kind of snap I could have set aside for managing later. Forget about coming back from that, I had to act now.

I wanted to rip myself in half. I wanted to push away from the ledge and let go. I needed to free-fall. All l thought about was that I needed to cry. I had been holding on for too long. Then, they came. I allowed myself to let go of control. I sat in the chair at a round table in the high school counselor's office and cried.

Of course, I had split-second moments when I felt embarrassed and that led to a super split second of feeling that I wanted to escape. However, rapport had been established, it would be foolish to suddenly stop, apologize and then leave. No one needs that work place drama?

The last time I cried in a high school counselor's office I was in grade 11. Maybe, the feeling I was having in that movement is of a similar frequency to the one I am having right now. Given that I snapped in Grade 11, could that have been the source that helped build the skills I needed to break down forty years later? That’s mind-blowing.

Soon after she saw my tears she quickly grabbed the box of tissues and handed them to me. I took a few and quickly leaned my face tightly into the mass like a pillow and blankie. I was not wailing per se but I felt a rage percolating. This was not letting off steam or a blame game drama moment, and it certainly was not self-pity.

This moment was real, it had facts and feelings to back them up. For the past several weeks, hidden emotions repeatedly pleaded with me. I ignored their voices because I was afraid to let that sound out. Without intentional harm being caused, I decided to push away from the holding-on state; I let go of my control. In summary, I walked into the counselor's office, sat down, and started crying.

Between the tears and awkward silent seconds, we discussed the moving parts related to what's been happening. She said one thing to me that shook me out of the breakdown; it slowed down my tears. Maybe there is another option? Full disclosure here: At that time on that day I felt like a major failure in many aspects of my life.

Like a pro, she listened attentively to the story. After a few twists and turns in the narrative, the thick plot was beginning to thin out. I knew by her facial expressions and eye contact, she measured what to say back to me. She knew that we meant business. After all, I am a 60-year-old man. I am her boss and even though we’ve known each other for six years, we did not know each other all too well.

As an aside, I always thought that we might become friends because she is lovely, kind, and intelligent. She also has a loving life because she is dedicated to her partner's family. Very impressive. But, the two of us pursuing friendship is not “normal” here. Looking at the frequency of that moment now, gives cause to understand why the session was effective. If we were friends, I might not go to her or perhaps the room frequency would counter positivity.

She asked me to consider the fact that you made an impactful decision to “back off” and that this year you are committed to limiting micromanaging people. Your actions now make sense to you but they also affected the people in your life who may have depended on your guidance or management decisions.

She said, "At one time they were organized in a certain way and now they are shaped differently - your warnings were ineffective. You let them go. You need to think about the fact that they might be feeling a bit given up on or maybe a bit lost without your usual start-up timelines and expectations and follow-up."

I heard “They might be feeling a bit “given up on'' or maybe a bit lost without your usual start-up timelines and expectations and follow-up.” My intention had my attention. I sat in silence. The tears gave way to stability. I struggled a bit with believing that as a member of the team, I had created a new frequency. I am not really a member, I am the leader. A team needs a leader. Leadership? Maybe it's not really for me. If leadership is about creating people, I need to go back to the drawing board. I can create, no problem, but people? I have two kids, do they count?

With the tissue ball tightly clenched in my right fist, I let go of it by opening my hand over and over again. I thought about the fact that the results now are the results of what I created. I knew that that was mostly true. I allowed myself a split second of doubt, it was in that second my hope split open revealing two sides. What are those two sides?

For this dive, I think I should take myself to the sides I see myself. On the felt side is the creation. I face decisions. Often I am shaped by having to choose without the details of the decisions. Too many times I face the predictable yes or no; up or down; in or out, and so on. There has got to be another less predictable option. One that transcends only two choices. On the flip is the impact. Can we see both sides at the same time? There has to be more than this and or that or yes and or no. Anyone? Are we externally programmed? It is tears or no tears or binary and or…What?

The two [ironically] of us sat quietly. Time to go. Once was enough.

I looked up, “Thank you for this." I motioned a circle with my right hand, more of an ellipse. “You helped me.” I dropped my arm down.

She replied, “No problem.”

I stood up and started to walk out but stopped. I turned at the doorway and remarked, “You did help me.” She smiled.