The Difference Between Freedom and Independence - a freely falling freeing idea.

In last week's blog, I wrote a little about a small breakdown I had in the school counselor's office. I also wrote,” The last time I cried in a high school counselor's office I was in grade 11. Maybe, the feeling I was having in that movement is of a similar frequency to the one I am having now.

Given that I snapped in Grade 11, could that have been the source that helped build the skills that I needed to break myself down forty years later, isn't that mind-blowing?

Now I want to reverse engineer the experience of my mind being blown up. I want to have a clearer grasp of the tracks I walked to even be thinking about a connection between those two events in my life.

Both scenarios took place in a high school inside a counselor's office. In both stories, I am walking around the campus. In my high school, I remember walking, lost, around the hallways and cafeteria. Similarly, recently, I was walking around the campus a bit lost. In each of these settings, I knew I needed to talk because I was ready to push away from the cliff and free fall.

In both chapters, I did free fall. In this story, I was set free both times. And, after each time freedom came, I was free to choose my own life. The first time was forty years ago. Will I have to wait until I am 100 years of age to repeat the same choice?

I did have a breakdown many other times in my life but it usually happened in the privacy of my own boxed-up life, and alone, while shopping alone or during therapy. I had a breakdown when I was in art school. My girlfriend and I had broken up, which needed to happen for sure because we were not compatible, but I was devastated and divided; I lay broken.

Around the same time that we broke up, I found out that she had sex with a mutual friend; a guy she openly had a crush on for years. All I knew was that their timing looked intentional. I also knew that they did not become a couple. It was a sex weekend; one and done. Most guys would agree that that hurt more than if she had fallen in love and ran away.

One of the things I did and still do to feel better is to run errands. The same week we split up I went grocery shopping at a large store. As I was walking the aisles, I was in a daze. Tears poured out of my eyes. I let it out and kept strolling around looking for sale items and dented cans in the discount bins. The water came out. I just kept on grocery shopping as if my breakdown was normal.

It was around that same age that I started creating a belief that the things that hurt me were normal and my hurt feelings were harmful. At that same age I pretended to be normal, a lot. By the age of 55, I was neutral, and by age 59, I was dead inside. That does not mean that I have no feelings or empathy. I can love. I am in love today. And though I am dead inside, we love each other to the moon and back. I think that that is a pretty good place to be.

I now believe that I am not harmful to myself. I now believe that, if I need to, I can walk away anytime. Now I believe that the things that hurt me are harmful and my hurt feelings are helpful. These days I pretend a lot less. If that is what a superpower feels like, I will take it. That kind of knowing comes to those who think about it, not to those who beg or want to buy it. Superpowers are not for sale.

As I continue to freely fall, let me take you somewhere else. This link that I am standing on has broken. I will fall. Please make no unnecessary movements or comments, just stand by as I fall freely. I am perched on a rooftop, here I am again. Perched on a rooftop, here I go. Perched on a rooftop, here I begin again. Perched on a rooftop here I am. And if you think you can catch me, hold out your arms superhero wide, and if you think you can save me, fold your arms up and move aside.

I am returning to you. I am reaching out. I know it is crazy and you will feel like you’re in a movie, just let yourself in and out and in and stay there for a while until you feel yourself slowly stopping and waiting and stopping and stopping. And now you are at your crossroads. Your turn. Return.

The difference between freely falling and falling freely is the same as the difference between freedom and independence. Freely falling is freedom but falling freely is independence as it rests at the finest moment of consent. The choice I made 40 years ago in high school can be viewed as the same as the one I made a few months ago, it operates within the same consent energy. Although true to some degree, just because they share similar frequencies, they are not the same in their constancy. They are the same because they are part of my inner architecture.

I realized that that teenager a long time ago and that man 40 years later are the same man. The differences remain only as a fragment in my memory and my imagination. Even now, as I contemplate the connection between those timelines, my innate courage to be able to ask for help and or let me out, saved my life on numerous occasions, at about a 95% rate. The remaining 5% is about the fact that I could think about the idea that there may not be any connection at all and that I merely decided to not die.

The power of a realization [singular] is like a stamp of approval. It not only validates our feelings and ideas, it seals the deal. It is the adhesion that marries facts and feelings. We are true. We are steady. We are in good standing with all frequencies. We are alive.

In my case, a case that is separated by forty years, might not be all that segregated after all. I was me as a teenager and I am me as a grown man. The difference is how I chose to allocate my consent. To narrow it down a bit further let's say that the boy I was as a teenager is the same as the man I am today. That is not a bad thing. It just means that I finally know the difference between freedom and independence. Do you?