Notes To Marriage.

As you move through the coming days and weeks, I wanted to offer some thoughts—take them in at your own pace. I’m sharing this out of care and a sense of responsibility, especially since you were on the verge of meaningful breakthroughs.

From my notes, take what resonates, and let the rest settle naturally. It’s a lot. I wanted to give as much as I can and hopefully there is something in it you can utilize. Keep the work we've done close—it reflects your values and your desire for change. Your decision to pursue a different life is powerful. Because you’ve activated change, change will come.

What follows are notes to guide you—they’re not a replacement for in-person work, but a companion for the road ahead. Your experience with acceptance and EG remains your compass. I have made many leaps and assumptions as a best guess scenario, but all based on our sessions together and my case notes - if I am wrong or off - it doesn't have to be factored into anything.

Disclaimer: This information is for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, psychiatric, or crisis care. Life coaching can offer support and guidance, but it is not a replacement for clinical treatment. If you are in crisis or experiencing a mental health emergency, including domestic violence, please contact emergency services or a local crisis line. Immediate safety and specialized support should always be prioritized.

We’ve learned that people often treat us the way we allow, often without realizing it. When harm feels possible, our instinct is often to move toward kindness—seeking connection and safety. But over time, when that anchor slips, escalation can happen. If you're curious, look up "Behavior Escalation" for a deeper dive—this was something I had hoped to explore with you further.

As you continue on, you may begin noticing new or different types of signals in your life. You don’t have to respond to all of them. You have the right to say “no,” or “not now.” That power is yours. Just be open to them coming and calling.

Some of these reflections and feedback I am offering come from broader guidance I offer, my own writing and reflections and then adapted for our context. If parts feel less relevant, that’s okay too. They’re meant to support, not instruct.

And one final note—please take a moment to read the disclaimer below in the footnote:

It’s Your Life One of the most important truths we come to realize in therapy is that your life truly belongs to you. The power to choose your direction, to shift your perspective, and to build a life that reflects your values—this is where real strength lies.

When you begin to feel that truth from the inside out, you start to see the world differently: with more clarity, more self-trust, and a deeper sense of worth. Instead of asking, “Am I not a good person?” You state with authenticity, “I am good”. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. That’s why I often encourage you to turn inward—to reflect, to feel, and to truly connect with yourself from the inside out.

A strong sense of duty to family or others is deeply admirable. But without a solid foundation of personal well-being, that sense of responsibility can start to feel heavy—like you’re moving through life constrained by expectations or limiting beliefs. Therapy can help us notice when obligation overshadows authenticity, and how to gently realign.

Parent burnout is quite a serious yet invisible reality for many people; you're not alone in that zone. I am assuming that that is some of what you and your husband might be experiencing. The supposition is that you are experiencing parent burnout in different and often opposing ways - and thus, there is tension leading to fear and being trapped. It’s not unusual for couples to turn toward each other and lash out - they can't lash out at the kids - that's not a good choice for any family.

Once attacks begin, they will escalate because both people want to win and be right.

Radical Honesty

Building a parenting partnership is rarely something that comes naturally. No one really shows us how to do it — we become parents and are suddenly expected to navigate it all on our own. Sure, there are books, workshops, family and friends support, and plenty of well-meaning advice, but the real work happens in the quiet moments, side by side with someone else, raising children together. It’s a deeply emotional and often complicated journey.

Without clear communication, fair ways to resolve conflict, and a genuine sense of partnership, the stress can build in ways that are overwhelming. This can cause people to drift apart, seeking comfort or clarity elsewhere — often in places that do more harm than good to our relationship and our family.

As you continue growing into adulthood, part of the work is recognizing that your life has been shaped by your choices—and that realization can bring a mix of feelings. It’s not about blame; it’s about insight. Radical self-honesty is difficult because it will set you free. Freedom is worth fighting for.

Radical Honesty gives you the tools to break old patterns and intentionally rebuild new, healthier ways of being. The great thing is that the pattern you will follow or think about will depend on what you design and choose for yourself.

Radical Acceptance

This reflection work isn’t about perfection. It’s about engaging with your thoughts—your inner world—with curiosity rather than judgment. Over time, adults learn to make more nourishing choices. That doesn’t mean mistakes disappear, but we begin to respond to life with more awareness, even in moments of uncertainty or pain.

Part of that wisdom is understanding you can only truly guide your own life. Just as you don’t want to be controlled, others also deserve that autonomy. This is where mutual respect and boundaries come into play—and where concepts from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be incredibly useful.

Radical acceptance, in this context, doesn’t mean giving up. It means learning to sit with discomfort, to look at old thought patterns and habits with fresh eyes, and to consciously choose what stays and what shifts. It’s about rewriting your story with intention—not by erasing the past, but by integrating it. The past becomes wisdom not barriers or guilt. See disclaimer above.

Acceptance is a layered practice. It takes time, patience, and support. It’s built slowly through disruption, insights, relationships, and moments of courage. The first step is often the most difficult—and you've already taken it. That matters.

The steps ahead may also be challenging. But through this process, clarity deepens, and confidence builds. You’ll begin to see that the path you're walking is one you’ve shaped—not one imposed by outdated roles or societal expectations.

External influences may still show up, but they become context—not constraint. Issues from your history try to wiggle their way in as a reminder of who you were - the key point here is that you are not the past version of yourself - you are the current version of who you choose to be.

This therapeutic work values complexity and fluidity. It honors your uniqueness. And above all, it invites you to prioritize well-being, flexibility, and the kind of inner truth that leads to a more grounded, fulfilling life.

You’re already on that path. Keep going.

Fear Right now, understandably, it seems you view fear as an obstacle. This isn’t just my observation—it's something I’ve noticed in how you’ve spoken recently. Fear surfaced in our last session on Thursday. Note: The term “fear” here refers to the feeling of intimidation within the context of a relationship—not fear of heights or being chased by a guard dog.

Think of fear not as something meant to control you, but as a signal—a message, not a weapon. It's more like a voice calling out to you, urging you to listen. You hear it, but something feels off, yet you instinctively know it matters. Life is full of signals, and fear is among the most powerful—often alerting us that it’s time to grow, evolve, and embrace change. While fear may appear binary in nature, the processes it triggers leads to outcomes that are anything but black and white.

You can feel change.

There’s a sound, a sense, something just beneath the surface. It doesn’t quite settle, yet it carries meaning. When you reflect deeply—especially on your own experiences—you may begin to see that fear, though unsettling, is a signal. It informs you that change is not just possible, but a choice.

Most people respond by conducting a kind of litmus test—a temperature check, a way to assess readiness and understand what might be needed. Many stop there or retreat. Others choose to lean in more fully. There’s no right or wrong response. What matters is the awareness: that you’re living in a conscious state and recognizing that you, like others, have the capacity to choose.

It’s also important to acknowledge that the idea of free will or choice is not universally accessible. Mental illness, addiction, or other conditions can impair a person’s ability to make healthy decisions—or even to recognize that they have a choice at all. In such cases, empathy is essential. However, this empathy must not come at the expense of your own safety or the well-being of your family. See disclaimer above.

Observations & Recommendations

Finding Support:

Consider seeking a licensed therapist or a credentialed coach or counselor. This process may take a few tries—you might not find the right fit immediately, or you could be fortunate enough to feel a strong connection with the first person you meet. What matters most is building rapport and trust. What does your intuition say? If a session doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to say so and discontinue. If the issue is less about personal connection and more about the therapeutic model or approach, that’s something you can openly discuss.

Therapy is not meant to be a paid space where you work on connecting with your therapist. It either serves your growth, or it doesn’t—and that's okay.

Reflecting on Our Last Session:

We ended on a significant note—your growing awareness of being in an environment marked by intimidation, fear, and perhaps even bullying. That realization is a scary yet profound step. I want to affirm my confidence in your strength and in your ability to take care of both yourself and your children. That awareness isn’t just an insight—it’s a foundation for change.

Seeing Your Partner Through Different Eyes:

You mentioned that perhaps only 10–20% of your current relationship falls below your expectations for a happy marriage or family life. Yet, even a small percentage—depending on the intensity—can weigh heavily and influence everything else. Still, it's valuable to take note of what is working and the life that you two have built together.

Those areas can serve as tools to support stability and perspective. They can get you all through the rough patches.

When we’re unhappy, we sometimes act in ways that unintentionally come across as critical or dismissive. This can feed into patterns of control or intimidation—even when no physical harm occurs. That doesn’t make those patterns healthy or acceptable, but it offers context.

At the same time, your partner is engaging with the relationship—perhaps not in the most helpful or kind ways, but his behaviors reflect a kind of participation. That engagement can be interpreted and explored further with professional support. A therapist can help you navigate this lens, not to excuse behavior, but to understand it within yourself - not as a means for fixing him. Most people seek to be accepted flaws and all. That may be at the root of the conflict you've described.

Try to approach these situations with reflection rather than anger, especially when expressing emotions or proposing solutions. Facts and feelings are intertwined—but they can be separated to allow for clarity and constructive feedback. Rage and a sense of being trapped may be part of your process right now—and that’s okay, as long as they’re managed with care.

Your anger is valid—but it's not a weapon. Let it guide you toward understanding, not retaliation. Anger is a powerful signal asking for your attention. Unexpressed rage will eventually implode, often showing up as self-sabotage.

When this happens, for many couples - they forget to be there for each other in sickness and in health - in pain and in suffering, in happiness and health and genuine joy - we all need love. But over time it became easier to turn away.

My mother said to me, “Life is hard, so always choose to be nice - just be nice to each other.” At times that was the most difficult choice to make.

Feeling Trapped:

The emotional weight you’re carrying is heavy—and real. Whether this realization hit you recently or has been building for some time, your language made it clear: you’re processing some deep and serious thoughts about your life. Knowing you're in a "stuck" state is in itself a powerful awareness. Many people live stuck without even realizing it. That you see it now is important. Use that clarity not to define or limit yourself, but to guide your next steps.

Consent and Inner Strength:

Consent is your birthright. This strengthens your ability to choose, say no, or set limits—is a part of who you are. Most people do it, so too can you! It’s quietly embedded in your values, your inner landscape, your story. You don’t need permission or approval to access it. It’s yours—waiting, steady, patient. In our work together, we began uncovering that strength, learning to trust it, and to use it to create boundaries, foster safety, and maybe even construct a more joyful life.

Decision-Making:

You're in the midst of building toward a decision. Stay with that process. Now may not be the time for major life changes—unless your safety or your children’s safety is at risk. You're thinking about making a decision, and that’s important. Keep thinking. Reflect. Evaluate. Track your thoughts. This is where you refine your understanding of what it means to exercise your free will. There’s still insight to be gained here, and a therapist, coach, or counselor can support you in navigating this stage as an active participant in your life.

Safety Considerations:

If you are experiencing any form of violence—physical harm or deep emotional trauma—it’s critical to prioritize safety. In these situations, I strongly recommend removing yourself and your children from that environment. A safety plan is wise: this might include preparing a “go bag” with essentials, identifying a safe place to stay, and mapping out how to leave—even if that plan lives only in your mind for now. Having it there is like a life jacket: it may not be used, but it provides security and clarity on where your boundary lines are drawn.

Spiritual Connection:

Stay connected to your higher power. This connection can be a profound source of strength and unconditional love. I’m not referring to any specific religious practice—though faith communities can offer valuable support—but rather your own belief in something greater. This is part of your personal compass. You’ve spoken about this before, and it’s worth continuing to nurture it as an essential part of your well-being.

Communicating as a Partner:

You’ve made many efforts to communicate—talking, explaining, hoping to reach mutual understanding. And still, the imbalance remains. It’s important to continue talking, especially now that you’re in therapy. Try speaking more as a partner—not as an instructor or someone trying to “fix” the rules of the relationship. Shift the tone. Be in dialogue, not debate. The marriage dynamic will also need to adjust to a new paradigm.

Too many people use therapy as a way to arm themselves for an attack on their partner. It may come across as caring and making an effort, but it's often passive-aggressive and manipulative. Go to therapy for yourself—not to fix him. He's in charge of himself. Please refer to the disclaimer on the first page.

Receive and Resist - and non-binary thinking

Resist resenting what is unfolding. Trust in your process. You are ready to rise to the next level—with the right support beside you.

You can still heal, even when you’re angry.

Your strength — mind, body, and soul — can carry you through tough emotions as you sort things out. Healing doesn’t require perfection or peace; it simply requires your presence.

It might be uncomfortable to hear, but this situation might have unfolded even without your children involved — patterns often repeat until we learn from them. That said, your kids are an inseparable part of you. When you speak as a mother, your story naturally includes them, whether you name them or not.

Most people will understand.

Something may be shifting in your partner — maybe he’s beginning to realize change is real, he sees the world and your life together from his point of view - and it affects the whole family.

Many men are raised to believe their role is financial, not emotional. Some settle into being told what to do, as long as their comfort isn't disturbed. But when vulnerability surfaces, it often brings out childhood wounds, sometimes understood only by a mother — if she’s still alive and emotionally enmeshed, that loyalty may not include you. And if she’s not, it’s a turning point — not good or bad, just an idea.

Therapy is for your growth — not a weapon or a scoreboard. Sharing your journey is powerful, but it’s not about proving you’re ahead. The real win is building a life of peace, not control. Fear and intimidation cannot survive where safety, joy, and emotional honesty thrive. They either adapt or fade — because they know deep down they don’t belong.

Helping Others At some point, you'll be called to help someone else. When you're ready, you’ll feel it. Don’t expect anything in return—just take comfort in knowing you made a difference in someone’s life. The timing is crucial. Not yet, perhaps—but you’ll know when the moment comes. As you stand in the quiet power of your truth, they will find you.

There is no need to seek them out — your plate is already full. Tend to the life you are building, nurture your dignity and consent like a sacred flame. In time, the one who is meant to cross your path in need of help will be drawn to your light, arriving when the moment is right.

Next?

Decide how you will move forward with your new understanding of life. You are building new understanding in layers and aligning them with strengths and inventing a recipe for independence. You will have every reason to make a conscious choice—and understand that it is yours alone to make. It's not about being selfish or inclusive. It’s about establishing the life that you require to be happy.

When you release the weight of blame, shame, and guilt, you can begin to live a life that is safe, healthy, and happy. Not because you’re entitled to it—entitlement is far too repressive—but because you have the strength and freedom to choose.

You will no longer be living in confinement because you are living the way you want to live.